Complete Randomness

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. It's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled!

I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some f'n' ass. I'd be way better than before. Who's back up now


My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Doh, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, Hey! Hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his crap into a truck.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window?

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

"Mitch Hedberg"